I’m having one of those days where I’m just filled with a lot of love. I’m not complaining. I open the newspaper and at every page am overwhelmed – there are about 10 different movies, plays, tv shows, concerts I desperately want to see. I check out a clip online, an interview with an actress from my favorite show – my heart beats a little faster, wanting to take every little second in. Scrolling through pictures, there are ones that remind me of places that I’ve been and love, and places hold a special place in my heart like nothing else. All this feels like a whirlwind, and it never lasts, but it’s good to be reminded that you can feel this enchanted with everything the world throws at you. At least once in a while. 

trial and error

It’s sort of strange, it’s something new, I’ve been fascinated by this sort of entrepreneurial spirit. Reading in Vanity Fair about people like Anya Hindmarch, who began her now-global brand at the age of 18, just hard work, confidence and an idea; and these kids who started a co-op in their local beach town. To feel your youth and that you have nothing to lose – I envy them that. I don’t think I could ever have the moxie to do it myself, nor do I have something I passionately want to commit to in that regard; but even so the idea of it is somehow thrilling. A sort of adventure in which failure is possible, but the fall isn’t so far down, because your life is still trial-and-error.

It’s odd how, because of luck and what I have – what I’ve saved up over the years, or the potential my education is supposed to say I have – I do feel like I have something to lose, like I’m beholden to all that in some way. And why should I be? It’s meant to be a cushion, not a responsibility. I felt the same way as soon as I graduated college, when the page was meant to be completely blank. I felt just as panicked and without options, despite consciously knowing anything was possible. And still is. That attitude, like a mis-gauged factory setting, is a problem for me – perhaps not one to be dealt with today, but to think about in general, when things are better and more settled. The question of freedom. Because I was raised to believe that we’re free and can choose what we want, where we want, choose our destinies – but then so much seems to depend on other people. And our own perceptions turn out to limit us more than anything real.